When I Walked In JoePa’s Shoes….

Some years ago, someone I trust completely told me a story she heard from someone she trusts. His daughter’s 13 year old friend had bragged that she gets money from a male relative in exchange for sexual favors. This story was shared with me because I was acquainted with the (alleged) victim and (alleged) abuser’s family through a dear friend of mine. I realize that’s convoluted, so if you prefer the simpler version, I heard a rumor that a child was being abused by an acquaintance.

It seems so obvious to everyone who hears Joe Paterno’s story, but I can tell you that I struggled with the decision to call the Division of Youth and Family Services. Before you take out your pitchforks and torches, hear me out. An accusation, even a false one, can ruin a man’s life and career. Once someone is accused of sexual abuse against a child, he is never trusted again, even if those accusations are unfounded. (If you doubt me, consider whether you would hire as a babysitter someone who was alleged, but not proven, to have abused a child.) I knew that any investigation would cause pain and trouble to a family that was already having problems.

The child who claimed to be a victim had a habit of behavior designed to seek attention. She was a troubled child and a product of erratic, unstable and neglectful parenting. These facts can suggest that she was abused, or can suggest that she was lying, depending on how you interpret them.

If I made the call to DYFS and the accusations were untrue, it would cause extreme embarrassment, anger, and distrust for the accused and his family. If didn’t call, and the accusations were true, I was complicit in the abuse of a child. In the end, I did make that phone call, but I never admitted it to my dear friend, who was related to the accused and the accuser. I decided it was better to err against the adult than the child.

Paterno’s story, is, of course, different in many respects. (So that we are clear on the facts, a graduate student witnessed Sandusky raping a child in the shower, and reported it to Paterno. Paterno reported it to his superiors, who forbid Sandusky from bringing kids on campus. No one went to the police. I point out that Paterno did not witness the rape or commit the rape, only because its easy to think he did based on the news, and the facts matter in this discussion. I’m not defending his behavior by saying he didn’t rape the child, just laying out the facts.)

Paterno’s information came directly from an eye-witness and I have read no reason why that witness was not credible. I don’t know if Paterno convinced himself that Sandusky would never do such a thing, or if he believed that reporting the incident to superiors would be enough to warn Sandusky against future behavior. I do think that Paterno refused to believe, however naively, that Sandusky had many, many victims.

I want to be perfectly clear that I am not defending Paterno’s lack of action. I believe he made very much the wrong decision, which allowed more victims and more abuse. But I understand how easily a good person can make that grievous, horrible mistake. I think of those of you I know who confess you have seen a parent violently strike a child in public, but you didn’t report it. I’m not saying you should have, or that it’s the same thing, I’m only saying you can see how hard it is to know what to do.

I know of three different families who dealt with the sexual abuse of a child without reporting it to the authorities. In each case, the members of the family, including the now-grown victims, had reasons for keeping the situation a secret, whether because it would “kill so-and-so if she found out” or because they believed that they could control the abusers access to the victim. I am almost certain that not one of those people has thought that there would be other victims in the abusers life, in his past, or, as seems likely to me, in his future. I think every one of those people, who believe that they are handling the situation in the best way possible, would be horrified to think that not reporting the abuse to authorities allowed the abuser to find and hurt other children, as obvious as that is to you and I.

In my case, DYFS investigated and nothing came of it. I don’t know the details, whether they decided that no abuse had happened, or whether they just couldn’t prove it. I know that I made the right decision, but it turned out to cause the family harm nevertheless. It is a sad truth in life that we sometimes have to do the right thing even when it causes us and others pain, even when it doesn’t always feel right.

Comments

[Jamie]

I'm thinking that is the BIG difference between your situation and theirs. McQueery WITNESSED it and left. My heart breaks for everyone in this situation. It breaks the most for these kids who were abandoned...and then for the people who walked away. How do u live with yourself after leaving a kid in the shower while he is being raped? As far as Paterno, gosh it must have sucked to end his life on that note...as the man who actually had the power to stop this monster and didn't.

[Lizzy Racecar]

(I know that a child can't "agree" to the act, and that its still rape, whether or not the kid was complying...I don't want to sound like I'm saying its not rape if there is no force.)

[Lizzy Racecar]

That is true of McQueary...how did he walk away? The only thing I can imagine, and I'm sorry if this is too graphic, but even though we call it "rape," it probably wasn't force. In other words, the kid agreed to the act. I'm not saying that isn't rape, it most certainly is...I'm just trying to imagine what McQueary saw that made him turn around instead of throw something. Maybe McQueary thought he was seeing sex, not rape. And maybe Paterno thought the issue was sex, not rape? I know that that is hard to swallow when the kid was apparently about ten, but its the only thing I can figure. Maybe *I* am naive, but I can't believe that someone would witness the forcible rape of a resisting child and walk away.

[Jamie]

Great Post Ebets. I'm struggling with Paterno's claim that even if he knew the details the outcome wouldn't have been much different. If 'rape' were used he wouldn't have had a different reaction because he didn't realize male on male rape was POSSIBLE? Really? I understand how scary it must be to report such an act. I have more sympathy for the GA...here's big bad Sandusky and here u are, little ol GA, and you are about to accuse a hero of such a thing...I can imagine how fucking awful and difficult a situation...but I can't understand, even with my feelings of compassion for the predicament they were in...why this guy didn't grab that kid and run. Even if he had to yell...throw something to break it up?? How do you leave...?